Bisque ! Bisque ! Rage !

14 Jan

Saule pleureur

Photo by damian_hunt on Flickr - Creative Commons license

Bon.

Je sais que mon dernier article finissait par une phrase genre « je reviens très vite avec un post sur jesaisplusquoi ».

De toutes évidences, c’était un mensonge éhonté. Ahem. Sorry about that.

Je fais un rapide passage ici entre deux chapitres de Civil War pour venir me défouler.

Je vous avais déjà donné mon avis sur le shopping. Je parlais alors des magasins plutôt « vie quotidienne », genre M&H, tout ça (hey t’as vu comment j’ai subtilement changé le nom du magasin pour pas faire de pub ?)(trop intelligente la meuf quoi).

Or, ami lecteur, figure toi que hier, j’ai vécu un nouveau type d’expérience shoppingesque dont j’ai envie de te parler (=de me plaindre).

Alors voilà : je suis allée faire les boutiques, un jour de soldes (Dieu merci c’était lundi, le reste de l’humanité était au taf), dans une tentative de la dernière chance pour trouver une tenue pour un mariage… dans 5 jours. Laaaarge.

(mais qui se marie en janvier bordel ?!)

Comme les conventions sociales exigent qu’on ne se pointe pas à un mariage avec un vieux falzar troué et un tee-shirt de punk, je me suis rendue dans ses magasins plus classes que ceux que je fréquente habituellement.

Ce fut une virée aussi agréable qu’une visite chez le dentiste avant l’invention de l’anesthésie. J’ai un message personnel à faire passer :

Cher(e) vendeur(se) de chez *placez ici le nom du magasin de bourge de votre choix, ça a été partout pareil*,

Oui, je porte un anorak Queschua et non un vison. Déjà, parce qu’en fait c’est ‘achement plus confortable, et surtout, parce qu’il pleut sa race et que c’était le seul truc imperméable que j’avais. Et encore t’as de la chance, si ma mère avait été là, j’aurais eu un K-way.

Kway banane

Traumatisme familial

 

Oui, j’ai un parapluie qui a 6 baleines sur 8 de cassées, ça pendouille autour de moi dans un joyeux cliquetis. Ouais. Bon. Et alors ? Je ne ploie pas sous le joug de la société de consommation, du tout jetable, et de l’esthétique à tout prix. Nan mais allo quoi, réveille toi bichette, la planète meurt là, c’est pas le moment de racheter des parapluies à base de pétrole toutes les cinq minutes ! Baleines cassées ou pas, tant que ça protège de la pluie, c’est un bon parapluie ! En plus, ça me donne l’impression d’être sous un saule pleureur, et j’aime être sous les saules pleureurs.

Oui, j’ai un jean tâché. Hum. Là j’avoue que je m’en étais pas rendue compte avant de partir de chez moi… C’est parce que tu vois, je suis quelqu’un de profondément… profond. Je suis grave aware. Mon oisiveté sauvage palpite. Quand je m’habille le matin, je ne pense pas à des choses aussi ridiculement terre-à-terre que « mon jean est-il tâché ? ». Non. Je m’interroge sur le sens de la vie, sur Dieu, sur le conflit israelo-palestinien et sur « rah mais fuck où est ma deuxième chaussette ? ». .

Oui, je suis trempée. Comme je l’ai déjà mentionné, IL PLEUT SA MERE BON DIEU. Tu t’en serais rendue compte si tu passais un peu plus de temps à respirer à pleins poumons le bon air du dehors, plutôt que d’à peine oser inspirer ta clim gelée d’un nez pincé, le ventre rentré et les yeux plissés.

Oui, j’ai des bottes de vieux biker. C’est mon âme rock’n’roll qui s’exprime à travers mes chaussures. Mais toi t’écoute Cœur de Pirate et Christophe Maé, alors tu peux pas test.

Et oui, j’ai un snood.

Deal with it

Oh yeah.

 

Donc oui, j’ai globalement l’air d’une vieille clocharde. Je le sais, y a des miroirs partout dans ton magasin. C’est un malheureux concours de circonstances. Je ne mets pas un tailleur Chanel pour faire les soldes sous la pluie.

Maintenant, arrête de me regarder comme ça, morue enfardée.

Non, je ne vais pas salir ton magasin. (bon d’acc, mon parapluie-saule-pleureur fout un peu de l’eau de partout, mais hey, t’as qu’à mettre un porte parapluie à l’entrée, comme tout le monde !).

Non, mon anorak ne reflète pas mon pouvoir d’achat. Peut-être que je suis un cadre supérieure du Ministère des Finances qui préfère passer sa thune dans la culture des bonzaïs que dans les fringues. Peut-être que je suis Beyonce qui fait les soldes incognito dans une ville de province française, camouflée sous un coupe-flotte Décathlon. Si ça se trouve, je suis une blogueuse influente lue par 17 personnes, qui va écrire un article sur toi aussitôt rentrée.

Je te dis pas de m’offrir le thé et de prendre des nouvelles de ma mamie, mais tu pourrais au moins dire « Bonjour », voire tenter un petit sourire. Ouais, je t’en demande beaucoup hein. Bon, on va faire plus simple alors : juste, ramène tes sourcils trop épilés à un niveau normal, range ton air méprisant dans ton tiroir-caisse et fous-y trois tours de verrou, arrête de me reluquer des pieds à la tête comme si t’avais jamais vu de jeans de ta vie, évite le coup d’œil plein de sous-entendus à ta collègue, ne me suis pas partout du regard comme si j’allais piquer une robe de cocktail en la faisant magiquement disparaître dans ma poche, bref occupe-toi de tes affaires, et on sera bon.

C’est pas parce que tu vends des bouts de tissus qui coûtent la moitié de mon salaire (et le triple du tien – et oui, t’es la vendeuse, pas le designer) que t’as le droit de me juger. (FYI les seuls qui ont le droit sont Zeus, Keira Knightley, les lecteurs de Queen of the Void, et le mec de l’entretien de la chaudière quand il se rend compte que je n’ai pas du tout nettoyé le petit machin en plastique « tous les deux mois avec un sopalin humide »).

Fuck off and die

Voilà.

Ha, ça va mieux ! :3

Si toi aussi tu t’es un jour fait regarder de travers dans un magasin par une bitch condescendante, tu as toute ma compassion. Laisse mon ton adresse postale dans les commentaires, et je t’enverrai un carambar pour te consoler. Bisou ! <3

5 Responses to “Bisque ! Bisque ! Rage !”

  1. laure 16/01/2014 at 09:02 #

    J’aime ton regard ironique et bien écrit de la vie quotidienne. On s’y retrouve et en plus on en rigole. Super idée !

    • lofromthevoid 25/01/2014 at 17:23 #

      Yeah, merci ! :-D
      Je vais essayer d’avoir un rythme un peu plus soutenu !

  2. GeraldLop 21/09/2017 at 12:30 #

    As the owner of a house-primarily based catering business, I have always realized the importance of creating a good first impact on possible clients. For many years, I tried to juggle my time in between cooking and serving meals at events, and attempting to make myself available to solution phone calls from new customers. Finally, I found the ideal solution – a digital phone system.

    What is even better about get virtual sms number methods is that all of your voice mails go into your digital mailbox that you can accessibility by phone or electronically. This retains your customers from at any time being dumped into the voice mail system of your house, of your cell phone, etc. Truly incredible. You can purchase plans for as low as $5.00 per thirty day period. Verify it out. There are various get virtual sms quantity system companies on the market, and insider is utilizing a get digital sms number method such as Ring Central is just one of them. That is who we use for Innoventum.

    These are just a few of the many resources and services to help free up your time as a freelance bookkeeper. If you think about an region of your business to automate, I assure you there is most likely a instrument accessible to do it. It’s a make a difference of doing research to discover it.

    Ideally your space ought to be an inside space or at minimum don’t have any windows behind you. If your workplace is like mine, then the final splurge is a mild to go behind your computer keep track of and mild up your encounter so you don’t look like “Shadowman”.

    One factor most people detest about moving into a new house is not the difficult labor of lifting boxes all working day long; it’s getting to contact the telephone business to disconnect and reconnect their telephone service. It’s a trouble and there are usually charges associated. Simply because VoIP is linked to a high-speed internet connection and not the conventional land line, it becomes nearly as transportable as a cell telephone. Essentially, consumers can take their phone number anywhere they move; and even if it’s just for a weekend getaway.

    Get digital! Be a part of the hundreds of thousands of individuals jumping on the VoIP bandwagon and start enjoying the rich attributes and accessibility you can get through broadband telephone services.

    https://wsogcc.org/directorsmf/index.php?topic=8392.0

  3. MaciekIncut 21/10/2017 at 19:23 #

    Kamera Eken cena Kamera Eken cena Kamera 4k Eken

  4. Borgetahou88o 10/11/2017 at 17:26 #

    skup auta
    In case you are considering a car, it may look like a challenging process. In fact, there are many autos on the market and choosing one can be hard. A car is actually a major expenditure, and you’ve obtained capable of making a great choice. Below are a few wise suggestions to bear in mind while you are auto purchasing.

    Establish a budget before heading car store shopping so you have a smart idea of the is your budget range. Attempt your greatest to keep within your budget. Should you have to go over, the exact amount that you simply review really should not be so significant that it positions you inside a financial bind.

    Enter in the car dealership with a bottom line value in mind. The salesperson may well try out to concentrate on the monthly premiums or credit conditions, but your aim must be to obtain the price you want about the vehicle you would like. You could always discuss the financing conditions later on, and even financing with your personal bank beyond the dealership.

    When buying a brand new automobile, look at all of your current possibilities. There are numerous used cars which have incredibly low a long way and rock and roll bottom part price ranges. The people to look for are those which were leased and returned. These vehicles have already been serviced in the dealership and usually have ample factory warranty protection kept.

    Rather than buying a brand name-new auto, purchase a casually employed the one that is only a few years older. Several automobiles come with transferable extended warranties that go on for 3 years or 36,000 miles. You can expect to save a substantial quantity above purchasing new, and the guarantee will give you satisfaction to the first year roughly.

    Discover the distinct warranties that are available. You may not would like to invest a few 1000 $ $ $ $ over a guarantee that is certainly not gonna include the fixes that frequently take place. Alternatively, store away from the car dealership to discover the one that will cover the fixes in a much better value.

    Look at the Better business bureau status of your respective local auto dealers before you visit them. While you probably may have learned, auto retailers may be less than truthful. Avoid from plenty of anxiety and expense by examining how other individuals really feel about the vehicle car dealership. Enough time it will require is definitely not in comparison to the time you can waste materials at the sheisty car dealership.

    Require a protection report and car historical past record through the seller. Anything good car dealer will have these materials available for any car about the lot. This can be details that can tell you how secure the car is as well as any key accidents or job that has been essential about the car.

    Maybe you have your perfect auto at heart, but you will possibly not locate exactly what you want. You could possibly not be able to pay for what you would like at the seller look around! This can be a attribute that is not required toward your overall purchase.

    It is a good idea to do plenty of analysis on autos before you ever check out a car dealership. The greater number of you understand about a certain design, the higher you may assess whether or not this fits your needs. There are lots of online resources that let you evaluate different brand names and designs.

    While you may want to invest in a automobile nowadays, purchasing from the great deal may signify they don’t have got a car together with the characteristics you wish. You can always ask them to call affiliated car dealerships to ascertain if they already have the vehicle in the great deal, but don’t noise needy or they’ll increase the price.

    Don’t enable the salesperson know there is a buy and sell in till you have a firm product sales cost at your fingertips. Some dealers will blow up the retail price should they think you’re trading in a car, to allow them to offer you a lot for the buy and sell in, which is, then well balanced with the new selling price they provide around the automobile they’re selling.

    Don’t anticipate to produce a obtain within your initially car dealership. Actually, if you so, then you are probably making a terrible acquire. Looking around is definitely essential, and this is especially true with regards to making a sensible obtain with a car or vehicle. Take your time and look close to.

    In no way shop for a car depending on what you would like to cover month-to-month. Most car retailers will endeavour to assist you research prices a payment per month. This means they can place you in an automobile that is certainly not what you wish by letting you know it is actually what you are able pay for. The only person who victories may be the dealer.

    Many of us are searching for the ideal deal when looking for our next automobile. One way you may get a whole lot is simply by using the period of the month to your advantage. In the first of each and every 30 days, vehicle dealerships have to purchase all the autos they have got on his or her showroom ground. So, after each month, these dealers tend to be more likely to negotiate so they can do away with many of these autos. If you retail outlet during the last week in the calendar month, you can get the best discounts!

    Look out for car dealership promoting fees. These are generally usually tacked through to new automobile acquisitions, and you will not need to shell out them. Auto car dealerships need to promote as an element of working, and several shoppers who obstacle this payment will succeed. Should your salesman will never take away this cost, question to talk with a manager.

    Will not invest in a second hand car without having done any some research. This can provide you with a better thought of what you must be paying. The NADA or perhaps the Kelly Azure Reserve will help you decide the worth. When a car dealership delivers a automobile to get a value earlier mentioned these quoted in these options, mind someplace different.

    Automobile shopping is something you ought not rush with. Invest some time and look at all of the possibilities open to you. Which is the best way to make certain you could possibly get the automobile that you might want, on the cost you need. If you keep the suggestions in the following paragraphs in your mind, it will probably be a significantly much easier approach for you personally.

Leave a Reply

UA-45789538-1